A dear friend shared a link to an outstanding article from ADDitude Magazine today and whew, mama, did it strike a chord.

The title of the article is “If You Love Me, Please Take This Seriously”. And from just those words, the emotions were a-flowin’.*

I DO. I do take this seriously. I take it so seriously that I’ve dedicated the other half of my life into researching, learning, studying, preparing, creating, designing, testing, taking classes, working on a degree in Clinical Herbalism and dedicating a blog to helping others navigate the world of ADHD/ADD (and a slew of other issues of course). I work full time as a graphic designer but my other life is full time dedication to understanding and aiding my teenage son in this less-than-ideal ADD world that he was given and how to use natural medicine to help everyone involved.

I’m going to be honest, I’ve been stuuuuuuuckkkk lately when it comes to helping him. Also, virtual learning is not ideal. I have no control over that currently but here’s a high-five/shoulder bump/pat on the back/virtual hug for all you parents on the struggle bus when it comes to e-learning. I hear you, I feel the guilt right with you, I understand. Just know that.

But still… Eff you Mom Guilt. It sucks and I try hard to ensure my mental health is good in order to be present for my son. Thus, I’m going to run down my List of Mom Guiltisms and how to let it go like Elsa in hopes that some of this will help you on your own journey.

*Side note: ADDitude Magazine is an amazing source. Unpaid spokesperson here – I HIGHLY recommend a subscription.

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MG #1: I sent him to school too early.

So mine is 16, yet a junior in high school. He’s always been the youngest in his class and looking back I have a lot of guilt in sending him to school at 5. He was not socially ready. At all. He was more than intelligent enough to navigate the work. He was holding adult conversations at 2, reading fully at 3 and I’ll be honest, Kindergarten at a public school was far less than our more-than-our-mortgage payments at the daycare he was going to. With two full time working parents, I thought that being in school was the best option.

The guilt lies in: I didn’t fully think about the consequences of putting him in school early. As a full time working parent, I wasn’t able to be there. I didn’t notice anything was different when he was that young.

How to let that go:

If you’re in this situation, it is what it is and you literally have to Elsa that crap. What we did to try and improve the lack of social skills that are common with ADDers is get him involved in extracurricular activities. Namely: swimming. By far and away, this sport and the club that he has been involved with has single handedly been the best therapy to socialize, implement structure, build friendship skills, burn off excess energy, learn self-motivation, goal setting and responsibility. If you’re child is older, it’s not too late. Let the guilt go by starting an activity that you can participate in together like swimming, walking, cycling or yoga that enables them to build key social skills with you (patience, goal setting, responsibility) and when they’re ready, move up to a group setting like a running group, a yoga class or a swim club.

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MG #2: We put him on medication.

Oh the tears when I filled that first prescription.

Let me say – again – I am not opposed to medication. I love Western Medicine and find it extremely beneficial. I also love natural therapies and know fully that there is a balance to all of it. Natural medicine and nutrition go a long way in helping well before meds even get started. I have gotten the “Well if he was sick you’d give him medicine, mental health is the same.” Yes, it is. And we tried with 4 different medications for almost 3 years with no improvement. Zero improvement, ok? Grades – not better. Behavior – not better. Sleeping – none. And being a full time swimmer the appetite suppression of the medication began to show in alarming ways. My guilt soon switched from ‘we’re not trying hard enough’ to ‘oh my gosh, the side effects are worse than the issue’.

The guilt lies in: “What have I given my child?”, “Have I caused irreversible damage?” “What are the long term side effects?”.

How to let that go:

Research and study. Know exactly what your doctor(s) is saying when they discuss the pros and cons of each medication. You have that right to ask so don’t just sit blindly and nod. Know what the side effects can be and what the goal is to having them take this medication. Yes, it takes work and probably a little extra time that maybe you don’t think you have but if you’re going to understand what they are going through, you will study. Knowledge is power.

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MG #3: We took him off medication.

See above statement “Well, if he was sick…”. However, medication clearly was not working and the side effects were horrendous. I already leaned in to natural therapies, I always have, and after chatting with the pediatrician – again – we opted to test out some other options. My herbal medicine knowledge felt like the “right” approach after our failed attempts with traditional meds so that’s the direction we went.

The guilt lies in the “What if we didn’t try meds long enough?”, “What if we just didn’t try the right med/dose/combination?”, “What if this doesn’t work?”, “What if I’m making the wrong decision?”.

How to let that go:

Same as above, research. No you don’t have to go full lean in like me and pursue a second degree in natural medicine. But researching the other options you have in herbal medicine, diet changes and the brain/gut connection, cognitive strengthening, counseling, and detoxing the system will shed light to factors you may not have considered. Guilt often stems from feeling like you didn’t do the right thing or you didn’t do enough. When you know all of your options, you can apply the ones that fit your ADDer and your family best.

Natural resources to try:

Our go to herb is Melissa officinalis (Lemon Balm), a variety of essential oils, whole food nutrition with very little processed flours and sugars, and a handful of ADD specific vitamins. Click on the links to read more about each of these therapies over in Parenting & ADHD.

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MG #4: We didn’t seek out additional doctors.

We went to one pediatrician, tests from the school counselor, his 2nd grade teacher and ourselves in hand. He looked them over and said “Eh, he’s borderline. {he was not, he is full ADD} You can try medication or not. Whatever you want.” Which, in retrospect, was gracious of him. We never felt pressured to try or not try medication but we also never had any direct conclusions. We had the experiences noted from the school and our personal experiences and were kind of given the “he’s just a boy” theory which did not help us figure out our next steps.

The guilt lies in: “Why didn’t I search for another doctor?”, “Why didn’t we look for counseling then?”.

How to let that go:

Start now. Yes, we potentially missed a number of years when he was younger that could have benefitted him now. However, looking towards the future and collage, counseling and new functional medicine doctors will have lasting effects into adulthood.

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MG #5: I didn’t fight hard enough for accommodations at school.

This one is big for me. We unfortunately received a lot of push back when trying to get a 504 plan with his schools. There are a lot of hoops and meetings to go through and it has been extraordinarily frustrating. Especially when we got generic “accommodations” and then have had to appeal to each individual instructor and the counselor to ensure the accommodations were met in each classroom. That was an ongoing battle.

The guilt lies in: I got tired. I got frustrated and gave up even trying to schedule meetings with anyone at the schools. I got mad at counselors and angry at teachers. I stepped down from the fight when he needed me to step up because it was a nonstop circus of “Sure, we’ll do that” and then it never happening.

How to let that go:

Take each quarter, each semester, each year one at a time. Moving into high school has been significantly better at getting accommodations met than throughout elementary and junior high however, not without struggles. His maturity alone has been a great impact on his ability to recognize and vocalize when he needs help. But…. As in everything, choose your battles. We still have battles. So, this semester ended…not great. But at the start of next quarter, contacts to teachers and counselors are made, emails and phone calls are sent and we sit down to plan out the quarter with him. The guilt of the previous semester has to go in order to make the next more productive and peaceful.

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Hopefully some of this helps. If anything, know that you’re 1) Not a bad parent, 2) You’re not alone in this journey, 3) You can reach out to me anytime with questions. Give me a follow on Instagram or Facebook and leave a comment or send over a direct message or email.

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